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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365260">What Goes On In Pony's Head</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/pseuds/naturallesbain'>naturallesbain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Outsiders - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Child Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Medication, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Talk of medication</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:33:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/pseuds/naturallesbain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody dies in this so Dally and Johnny live (Because we don't need more heartbreak). </p><p>This fic is centered around Ponyboy and mental health issues such as Anorexia, Self-harm, Body Dysmorphia.</p><p>If you are triggered by anything in the above, don't read and if you do read, then feel free to reach out if you are struggling or need to talk.</p><p>National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237</p><p>Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255</p><p>Please remember that getting help does NOT make you weak!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darry says I never think outside of school or that my head is always in the clouds. Sometimes I think he's right, this is one of those times; I was just walking home from the movie theatre when some Soc's pulled up and started chasing me and calling me "Grease" which normally I don't mind but after Johnny got jumped I became more scared of the Soc's even though I wouldn't ever admit it, so I can only hope that they ain't the same ones.</p><p>As I got closer and closer to my house, they got closer and closer to running me over with their car, I started trying to run and get ahead of them but there isn't any way that I can outrun a car. They swerved in front of me and got out, I was about to puke, I didn't want to get jumped. As they stepped out of the car, one of the Soc's turned to me and said "Need a haircut, greaser?", there isn't any way I can run, I know that I am outnumbered and I wouldn't make it five steps but I try anyway. I don't know why I tried, they catch me and pull me to the ground before I can even think about trying to run, I start trying to scream for help maybe my brothers will hear me, or maybe someone from the gang will. I know that one of the Soc's stuff something in my mouth to shut me up but I can't tell who, I'm more focused on the Soc on top of me that's got a switch to my throat. I can't tell what happens next but all I know is that the Socs are off me and they're getting into their Corvair. </p><p>Darry's chewing me out already, telling me how I shouldn't have walked home alone and that I should be carrying a blade, he doesn't let me have a blade and I don't have any change on me. Soda stands up for me like always, saying how if I had a blade than they would've just cut me up more. Soda always stands up for me now that Mom and Dad are dead.</p><p>When we get to the house, Dally starts making plans to go to the Drive-in, I didn't realize that he had gotten out of the cooler so early, says he got out on "Good Behavior" as if Dallas has ever been good. Dallas, Johnny, and I decided that it would be a good idea to all go together, hopefully the movie that's playing ain't too bad, I hate Teen Beach movies.</p><p>Later that night when Soda and I get to bed, he tells me that he wants to marry his girl, Sandy, Sandy is a real nice broad and she makes Soda real happy so I can see why he wants to marry her. I don't understand why I don't have the same feeling for a broad or any broad for that matter, maybe I could find a book or ask about why I ain't feel nothin' for a broad yet. Oh who am I kiddin' I couldn't ask anyone why I ain't feel nothin' for a broad, they'd think I'm a queer, and you don't live long if you are a queer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pony has some concerning thoughts and he goes to see a movie with Dally and Johnny</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I woke up the morning after getting jumped, I realized for the first time how much my neck hurt, it was all sore and when I moved my head it stung. As I climbed out of bed, I noticed that Soda had gotten up already for work with Steve, and Darry was probably already out the door. As I walked out of my room I saw Johnny and Two-Bit on the couch watching T.V., probably Mickey Mouse. As I grabbed leftover breakfast, I noticed that Johnny had a black eye, I wish that he would just stay here or run away from his house, hell, going to Buck's would be better than him going home. Once I finished eating I went to go take a shower, as I stripped in front of the mirror I noticed how soft I looked, I knew that I wasn't as muscular as the rest of the gang was and I hated that about myself. Once I got in the shower after staring at myself in the mirror I started washing myself looking straight ahead, I felt so disgusting.</p><p>After I had gotten out of the shower and got dressed, I stepped out of the bathroom and sat down on the couch to watch cartoons with Johnny and Two-Bit. Once the episode was over Johnny and I headed out to the lot to kill time and to just talk. After a few moments in silence, I started talking about how much I wished Darry would stop yelling at me and how I wish things were still normal between Darry and I. As we got closer to the lot, Johnny started talking about how he wishes that his parents would stop yelling and beating him and how sometimes it felt nice to be yelled at by his parents because at least they know he's there. </p><p>After Johnny and I were done ranting to each other we headed over to the drive-in, once we spotted Dallas, we realized that the movie hadn't started yet and that we still had some time to kill before we had to be back. Once we all decided that it was hot enough that we wanted something to drink, we headed over to the corner store, of course, we didn't want to pay so Dallas stole some Pepsi's and Smokes for us. Once we finish our drinks, we start heading back to the drive-in, noting how the sun is starting to set earlier and earlier as fall starts getting closer, it was also evident from the drop in temperature, noting how I wish that I remembered to bring my jacket. </p><p>Once we hopped the fence into the drive-in, we took our seats near the front on the lawn chairs for people who came without cars, we sat right behind two Soc girls, one of them had pretty red hair and the other had shorter black hair. After a few minutes, Dallas had started to get bored with the movie and started trying to get with the Soc girl with the cherry red hair in front of us, to be honest, Dallas was just making a fool out of himself more than anything. After a few minutes of Dallas trying to get the Soc girl, she snapped, saying how he should get away or she'll call the cops. Sometimes I just wish that they would haul him in for longer, but that has never worked, seeing as Dallas has a mile-long rap sheet anyways. After Dallas finally stopped bothering the Soc with the bright red hair, we bailed, knowing that the movie was boring and that none of us were enjoying it. After I got home, Dallas went to Buck's with Johnny so that Johnny wouldn't have to go home. After I walked into the house, I went to the bathroom, noting how my stomach slightly bulged from my shirt. I should start working out more outside of track practice, that'll help. </p><p>Once I got to bed, Soda made room for me to lay down. After I had blankets over me, I decided that tomorrow I would go down by the track and run for at least an hour or two.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please review, I know my writing isn't the best so if you catch any errors just let me know!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I woke up this morning, I thought about what happened yesterday, the Soc with the bright red hair, the drive-in, Dallas trying to pick-up the red-headed Soc, and what I planned to do today and what I thought about yesterday. After quickly stretching and grabbing clothes, I walked into the bathroom to take a nice shower. As I stand there and start stripping, I noticed how my stomach didn't look as big as it did yesterday, maybe its because I haven't eaten anything yet today. After I was done with the shower I stepped out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen, grabbing an apple to calm my stomach and sitting down with Two-Bit to watch cartoons. After a few minutes, Johnny and Dallas joined us in watching cartoons, Two-Bit laughing and making jokes, and Dallas telling Two-Bit to "shut it" and threatening to punch Two-Bit's face in. After a few minutes of hearing and watching them bicker, I went outside for a smoke, noticing how nice it was outside. As I was finishing with my smoke, I saw Johnny come outside to join me, apparently, Two-Bit and Dallas started throwing punches at each other, and Johnny didn't want to get caught in the crossfire. </p><p>After about five minutes Dallas came out to sit with us and make plans, I wasn't really listening, my stomach was rumbling hurting from how hungry I was, but I didn't do anything about it; it was like there was a voice inside my head telling me that I don't deserve it and that I need to walk around some first. After a while of just sitting in silence, Two-Bit came out to sit with us, saying that he wanted to go hunt for some action. Johnny and Dallas both agreed that they wanted to go hunt for some action, but I opted to just go to the tracks as I had planned to yesterday. As Johnny and Dallas left, though they weren't quick to go, saying how we should "Just go have some fun" and how "I'm a kill-joy", and Johnny defending me saying that I was probably just a little shook up still from getting jumped. After I saw that Johnny, Dallas, and Two-Bit were out of sight, I started heading to the track. </p><p>After I got to the track, I started stretching to get prepared for a few hours of running, hopefully, Dallas, Johnny, and Two-Bit don't come back to the house to find me gone. After a few minutes of stretching, I started going around the track in a light jog, quickly regretting the fact that I forgot my water bottle at home. After a few laps of just jogging, I started going faster and faster, only stopping when I felt like I was gonna puke or faint. After around two hours of running, I started to get thirstier and thirstier, after around ten more minutes of running I decided that it would be best to start heading back. As I was walking home, I started to feel really dizzy, it felt like someone knocked my upside the head and expected me to walk in a straight line.</p><p>After getting back home, I went straight to the kitchen to try and chug as much water as I could, I was so thirsty. After I felt like I could burst from all the water I just drank, I went to mine and Soda's room to go lay down for a bit, I always feel really tired after running, like my legs don't work. It felt like forever before I was able to move again, though it was probably only fifteen or so minutes, as soon as I heard the door open, I bolted straight up, the sound of the door slamming open scaring me. After I calmed down a little, I went into the living room to see who it was, and of course, it was Two-Bit. "Golly Two-Bit, one of these days you are gonna break the door off its hinges," I said, "That'll be the day Darry will finally kill me, huh Pone," Two-Bit said in reply, I just shook my head, knowing that even if Two-Bit manages to break the door, he would get out of it by just telling jokes and making fun of the situation. After our conversation, I go to grab a book from my room, but as I do so, my stomach starts rumbling, but the same voice from before is telling me "Not yet" and "You haven't moved enough, you need to burn more calories", I listened of course, who knows me better than my own brain. After I pick a book and sit down on mine and Soda's bed, I start drifting off to sleep, soon enough I fall asleep, drifting into a dreamless wonderland.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Made this at 11:30 at night, sorry if it sucks. Comments, reviews, and criticism supported and encouraged.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Never Enough</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don't Bother Waking Up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Better Off Dead</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You Should've Died Instead</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No One Loves You</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You Aren't Smart Enough</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Work Harder</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Disappointment</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Those were the only things going through my head as I ran, I needed to work harder for Darry and Soda, they gave up their futures and education for me and I repay them by looking like this? By acting out? God, sometimes I wish that it was me who died instead of Mom and Dad. It had been three weeks since I started my new "diet" and so far, it was working well, I was dropping weight and I looked leaner. Only Johnny has noticed my drop in weight, but I made him promise not to say anything. Another thing that I started doing was cutting myself, it felt like a release, like the weight that's been on my chest since Mom and Dad died just disappears. I know that my parents probably wouldn't approve of what I was doing now but I just wanted to make the Gang proud. As I reached the end of the track, I spotted a familiar Corvair, it was the same one that had the Soc's in it that tried to jump me almost four weeks ago. As I notice them, I start to make a run for my stuff, wanting to get out of here as fast as possible. As I started jogging across the field, I noticed that the Soc's were out of sight, maybe they didn't see me or they're going around the building. As I got near the end of the field, I caught a glimpse of the bright Corvair, that's when I started to run, I knew they were after me and I needed to get out of sight as fast as possible.  I started heading towards my house, just desperate to get to the gang and see if they'll help me, but all the sudden I heard the voice that been talking to me for the past few weeks say <em>You'll never be good enough, stop bothering them, you are always bothering them, they don't care if you get jumped. If you don't want to get jumped than don't walk alone, dumbass. </em>I knew the voice was right, it always was.</p><p>I don't know when they caught up to me, but they did. I ran as fast as I could and they still caught up to me, this just means that I need to work harder. As the Corvair swerves in front of me, I am forced to go down onto the dirt ground to avoid being hit by the door as it swings open revealing a tall and muscular Soc. As I try to get back up to run, I'm only dragged further into the lot, right, the lot, that's where I am. As I try and wiggle free, I recognize the Soc' with the rings, he looks like he's acting on blood lust, which is terrifying enough, but he's got his rings on, which means that if I don't get out of here now, I'm in for a world of hurt later. As he comes closer, I start wiggling and squirming more, I don't know when the other Soc's got out of the Corvair, but they are on me now, holding me down, waiting for the lion to catch its prey. As the Soc finally stops in front of me, I have a smudge of hope that maybe the Soc won't hurt me that bad, but as soon as that thought finished, the Soc's boot comes up to my face and nails me right in the eye, it feels like my eye just popped from how bad it hurts. The next few moments feel like hell, like fire against my skin, thankfully the last thing I'm aware of is the cracking of my ribs as the rest of the Soc's finally join in.</p><p> </p><p>__________</p><p> </p><p>I don't know what time it is and frankly, I don't care, it hurts too much to care. I know Darry will chew me out for being out for almost the entire night, but all I want to do is go home. I don't know where I even am, the Soc's must have dragged me into a bush cause that all I can see other than the rising sun. I always thought the rising and setting of the sun was the most beautiful thing, it showed me that there was still beauty in the world, but now I don't even believe that. As I start trying to get up, I'm hyper-aware of my creaking ribs that feel like they are on fire, and my head, which feels like if I move too fast then I'll be back on the ground within the second. Eventually, I get up, using a nearby tree that I didn't even notice for support, but as soon as I lift my leg, I need to lean back on the tree for support, its like my head is a fishbowl, tilt it too far to the side and it goes down. After a few steps I get the hang of walking again, but once I'm halfway across the lot I need to sit back down, golly, I wish someone was here to help me, even if I know I don't deserve it.</p><p>I'm almost to my house, I can see that the T.V.'s on which means that Two-Bit's probably watching Mickey Mouse, or maybe Steve and Soda are getting ready for a shift at the DX. As I walk up the steps, I hear yelling coming from in the house, normally yelling isn't uncommon, but this yelling sounded angry, but I don't have the brainpower to decipher who it is right now. As I step through the door, the yelling stops, and I can see through my one good eye that Steve is here, but that's all I can see because next thing I know I'm passed out.</p><p> </p><p>__________</p><p> </p><p>I don't know how long I am out for, but when I wake up I feel a little better and I see Soda is sitting next to me. "Soda?" I say, golly my voice sounded horrible but Soda just looked more shocked than anything before he said "Hey Pony, how are you feeling baby?" "I think it's obvious how I'm feeling, Soda" I replied, but I don't think Soda found it funny at all, he just looked more worried. After I said that he got up to "Go get Darry", I didn't want him too since he was just gonna chew me out and I ain't feeling good enough to listen right now. But when Darry cam through the door he looked just as worried as Soda, "Hey Kiddo, Soda says you ain't feeling too hot, can you tell me what hurts?" I was taken back by his gentle tone, I thought he would be mad, "My ribs are hurting something bad right now, Dar" I said, "Okay Kiddo, I'm just gonna lift up your shirt a little to see how bad it is and then I'm gonna press on them to see if they are broken, got it?", I nodded a yes, though I was panicking, I didn't want him to get suspicious on my weight, maybe I can just play it off as wanting to get into better shape for Track. As he lifted up my shirt, I glanced down to see that my ribs were the color of melted M&amp;M's so when I looked up, Darry was cringing and as soon as he put his hands on my ribs, I let out a yelp without meaning to, it hurt so bad and Darry could probably see that, but he just told me to tell him if anything felt like it moved. After he was done pressing on my ribs, he told me that I probably only had a fracture in one of my ribs, but it still hurt really bad, to the point where I was nearly crying. After Darry got up to go get the bandages, Soda hugged me and told me that if I'm tired than I should probably go to sleep, I didn't even realize that I was tired and I quickly fell asleep to Soda's humming.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wrote this late at night again, feeling drowsy after going to the doctors office today. Please tell me what you think and if you like the story so far!</p><p>- Alex the Author (they/them)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Not A Chapter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This is a list of the places currently protesting police brutality </p><p>Milwaukee, Wisconsin<br/>Fort Wayne, Indiana<br/>Chicago, Illinois <br/>Bloomington, Minnesota<br/>Minneapolis, Minnesota<br/>Omaha, Nebraska<br/>Kansas City, Missouri<br/>Dallas, Texas<br/>Houston, Texas<br/>Flagstaff, Arizona (kinda unsure)<br/>Las Vegas, Nevada<br/>Rancho Cucamonga, California<br/>Los Angeles, California<br/>San Jose, California<br/>Sacramento, California<br/>Portland, Oregon<br/>Seattle, Washington<br/>Lynnhurst, Minneapolis<br/>Hudson, Wisconsin<br/>Detroit, Michigan<br/>Columbus, Ohio<br/>Atlanta, Georgia<br/>Pensacola, Florida<br/>Lake Butler, Florida<br/>Knoxville, Tennessee<br/>New York City, New York<br/>Boston, Massachusetts</p><p>Please keep in mind that I might be missing some places and that there might be more. Since the news hasn't covered some of these places yet, I had to go to Snapchat to find some places that are protesting. Also, if you are going to these protests, wear masks, and wear bagging clothing to cover your figure, blend in. Don't let them see your face and cover any scars you have. If you get tear gassed, open your eye and rinse it with water DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE and take off any masks or glasses before you rinse along with contacts. </p><p>Keep rioting</p><p>NO JUSTICE NO PEACE</p><p>JUSTICE FOR GEORGE FLOYD </p><p>They can't arrest all of us</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I'll try and post some more updates from my area ( I live in the Wisconsin and Illinois area) and by all means please contact me if you have any information about riots in your area, I'm trying to use my platform to help and inform.</p><p> </p><p>Love, Alex the Author</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Another Update</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I know that I haven't been doing that great with updates but, the riots are getting worse where I live and we have to be careful of looting and robbing. I should have a chapter out by either Sunday or Monday.</p><p>My apologies,</p><p>                  Author Alex (they/them)</p><p>P.S. If you want me to do more coverage on riots than I'll be glad to do so. Also, I'm graduating Tuesday and the Eighth is my b-day so don't be so hopeful on updates on those days.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing that I woke up to the morning after getting jumped was my alarm, the second was a horrible aching of my ribs as I lay on my left side. I didn't dare move, not wanting to cause any more damage. As Soda began to stir, I wondered how much longer I could lay in bed like this, not having to feel any pain. As Soda got up, he asked me if I was awake and I said yes and he said that I am allowed to stay home for the next few days or however long it takes me to heal, to this I was grateful, I didn't think I wanted to even move today. As Soda left the room, I was just thinking when Darry came in a checked my ribs, he said that they looked better than before and that they should be fine. After Darry's visit, I quickly fell asleep.</p><p>It was probably nine now, Soda and I usually wake up at around six so I got a few hours of sleep. As I went to sit up, I felt a sharp pain in my ribs and decided that I should probably just stay laying down. After a few minutes, I heard a knock on my door, "Who is it?" I called "Its Johnny" Johnny said "Come on in!", after I said that I heard the door open and close and I turned enough just enough that it wouldn't hurt that bad. "Hey, Johnny, what's up?" I said "Nothin', just wanted to check in on ya, I know that ya ribs probably ain't feelin' too great. Before ya passed out an' hit the floor I caught ya and ya shirt lifted a bit, since when did ya get so skinny Pone'?" Johnny said, "I've just been doin' a lot of runnin' for track, ya know? Guess I should be eatin' more, huh?" I replied, Johnny just shook his head a little and moved onto what book I'm reading right now, I hope my answer was good enough for him, I don't want anybody finding out about my eating habits right now, I just don't have the energy. After about ten minutes, Johnny said that he was gonna go find Two-Bit or Dallas to hang out with us since, and I quote, "Two-Bits better at crackin' jokes than me", I just chuckled at this since Johnny's gotten pretty good at crackin' jokes, he must be hangin' out with Two-Bit more. After Johnny left, I was left with my thoughts, I was trying to ignore them but they keep getting louder the more I "disobey" them, but most of the times, they are right, I mean, who knows me better than my own brain?</p><p>After five minutes, I heard the front door slam open and Two-Bits shouting fills the rooms and Dallas telling him to "shut up" over a stupid joke he made before I heard them barging into my room; "Jeez kid you sure look like hell" Two-Bit said, "I feel like it, too." I replied, after a few minutes of Two-Bit cracking jokes, he asked me if I remember anything and I said only some "I remember it was the Soc with the rings, they had a real nice Corvair and there were more than three of them" and I felt more than heard Johnny tense up at the mention of the Soc with the rings. After a few awkward minutes of silence, Johnny got up to go get something to eat and Two-Bit said he'd help and then something I didn't expect happened, Dallas started talking to me, "Hey kid, I know this might be weird but, I know that you ain't been eating too well, don't ask me how I know, I just do, and I wanna help. You're getting real skinny kid, and I don't like seeing friends waste away like this, but I understand if you don't want my help, but I'm here if you wanna talk or if ya change ya mind." Dallas said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Dally, waste ya energy on Johnny, I ain't gon' be a bother." I said and he sighed "That just proves ya more guilty, kid. Sayin' ya don't know what I'm talkin' about and sayin' ya don't want' to be a bother is just incriminating yourself more. Please kid, just think about it, yeah?" After he said that, Two-Bit and Johnny busted into the room holding apples and peanut butter sandwiches, I decided that I would only eat some apple slices, I don't care if Dally knows, just as long as he doesn't tell Darry or Soda or anyone in the gang for that matter.</p><p>___________</p><p>It was a few hours after Dallas came forward and said that he knew about my eating habits and I was getting nervous, he left after we had "lunch" and he hadn't been back since, not even a call. Since then Johnny helped me sit up and he gave me a book to read but shortly he fell asleep, saying something about how much he hates the Socs. I "finished' the book, more like just stopped reading it since I could probably tell you what the book was about in less than five sentences and I was left to my thoughts again, I really wanted to cut, just to feel the relief that came with it and to feel light-headed and spacy again but I couldn't since my back and ribs hurt a lot and I don't trust myself to move by myself right now. After a few minutes, Johnny started to stir, "Sorry I fell asleep, man, I swear I didn't mean too" He said, "It's fine Johnnycakes, ain't like there's much to do around here." I said, "Well, I could've just talked to you, you're always fun to talk with, it's 'cause you're so smart" "Don't make me seem smarter than I am, Johnnycakes," I said, and it was the truth, I didn't like people saying how smart I am even though I ain't that smart, they just think I'm smart 'cause I skipped a grade. "Now don't you go talkin' about yourself like that, Pony, your plenty smart, you have the best grades in the school," Johnny said, sometimes I wish that I wasn't 'smarter than average' so than I don't have to have people commenting on it all the time, I just retain information well and I can rewrite it well, too. After I finished that thought, I heard the front door open and close and Steve and Soda's voices coming down the hall, most likely to get food or go to the bathroom, what I didn't expect was Soda and Steve to nearly kicking down the door to the bedroom, "Hey kid brother, how are ya feeling? Nothin' hurt too much, any cracking?" Soda asked "Nah, just a little sore, could probably go back to school tomorrow," I said, "Kid, you need at least one more day of rest, your face looks like a Jackson Pollock painting on a bad day," Steve said "Steve's right, we need to keep ya home until your ribs to heal up and you can walk and sit-up by yourself," Johnny said "Hey, I thought you were 'sposed to be on my side," I said and Steve, Johnny, and Soda just laughed, which made me a little frustrated but I just ended up laughing with them. After Soda and Steve left, Johnny and I sat in silence until he said he was going to go to the lot to get some rest, something about being really tired, after he left, to my horror, Dallas came in and sat down on my desk chair and stared at the ground, he looked like he was thinking, after a few more moments he said: "Listen, kid, I hope you give my offer some thought because seeing you like this is hell, I don't care what I have to do to have you give me a chance, but seriously, I'll do anything you want me to." He said, and I wasn't expecting that, I was expecting yelling and swearing and ranting, but I wasn't expecting this "Listen Dal, I don't want help and I don't need it, I don't know why you're bugging me about this so much when you've never cared about me before in the past." I said, frustrated, but after I said this he looked angry "Kid, I care about you a lot, I care about you as much as I care about Johnny. I wouldn't be sitting here right now if I didn't care so you can shut your mouth on that bull crap," Dallas said, and I felt bad, he really must care about me, so after giving it thought, I decided that I wanted help, but only if he gave me a good answer "If you give me the answer as to why you knew about my eating habits than maybe I'll let you help me, but you gotta fess up first," I said "Kid, I've watched people die, kill themselves, or go homeless after their gang kicks them out and they die of starvation," Dal said, but I have a feeling he's hiding something more from me "You're hiding something more, Dal, I ain't stupid, so no, I don't want you to help me, not yet." I said, he looked hurt, I felt sorry but the voices told me that I shouldn't be, that he was bothering me and I stood up to him. After that he left, saying one more time that if I want help than I should go to him, and after that, I heard the front door open and Darry's booming voice echo throughout the house.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, this kinda sucked, I wanted to get a chapter out before my graduation and I'm really stressed out from the protests, curfew, and whether or not my state will be like Minneapolis. No matter how much I hate my city, I don't want to watch it burn down.</p><p>Lemme know if y'all want more coverage on the riots. Of course, stay safe, fuck the cops who've killed innocent POC, and if you are going to protest, stay safe about it.</p><p>Love, Author Alex (they/them)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Not A Chapter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If y'all haven't been on Twitter than y'all probably don't know about the riots that happened last night. Last night we didn't have a curfew in Wisconsin but, the police were still outside patrolling and there was a peaceful protest until a woman threw a "Molotov" (that didn't go off) at the police, in return, the police used excessive force against the other protestors by using tear gas and possibly mase (is that how you spell it?). I do not condone throwing things and trying to harm the police, but this was excessive force used against an entire crowd for something one person did. Please do NOT believe what the MPD (Milwaukee Police Department) is telling you since they haven't uploaded any video (or from what I've seen).</p><p>A chapter will hopefully be out by tomorrow or Friday and thanks for the suggestions. The story was meant to be more practice than anything but y'all seem to enjoy it so I'll continue it.</p><p>ALSO if you don't have accepting parents than I am your parent now, I am non-binary and you can call me mom, dad, or Ren (short for paRENt). Take meds, stay hydrated, take a shower, and eat food!</p><p>Love y'all!</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So, I decided to write a filler chapter since its probably gonna take longer to get a chapter out since, fun fact, my dad sprained his ankle, my mom is disabled and snapped her leg in half (literally, the bone was coming out of the skin), and I can't drive so I have to bike everywhere. So, this chapter is gonna be describing Pony's depression, ed, and sh (self-harm or injury)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stage one of depression: Cold, that's all I feel, all the time. It's like freezing water that only lets you get warm for a second before submerging you again, only giving you a moment of relief. It always felt like I was just sad at first, maybe it was remembering my parents or the increased tension between Darry and I that messed me up but I thought it would go away by the end of the week but, it just started getting worse when it should've been getting better, but it didn't. I can feel myself getting worse and worse but I can't do anything about it 'cause we don't have the money for treatment or medication and the gang will just think I'm crazy and better off in a hospital with other crazy people. </p><p>Am I crazy? I ask myself that question a lot. I think Dally sees this but I shot him down, I didn't want to accept his offer for help because that'll only prove that I really am crazy. A few weeks ago the depression was gettin' bad, no relief from reading or running, but when the 'voice' came, it was like a distraction from everything. The voice told me that I was too fat and that I need to start losing more weight so Darry will stop yelling at me and I'll get better grades 'cause the time I don't spend eatin' is the time I can spend studying. </p><p>I don't know how I'll tell anyone about this, I can feel myself gettin' weaker and weaker when I run and workout but I don't know what to do. I don't think I'll tell 'em, they wouldn't understand the need to feel in control and that it isn't always about the weight and wanting to look good for a broad (but I don't like broads, I like other guys. Figured that out after I saw Steve wipe his shirt on his face to get some sweat off). I guess the guys will find out when I faint or something.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know it sucks, but its all I've got right now. If you have any suggestions for how the next chapter should go or if you want any updates on the riots than please LET ME KNOW. If you can't tell, I'm in a HUGE writers block rn. </p><p>You know the writers block that makes you want to write but you don't have any ideas? Yeah, that's the writers block I'm talking about.</p><p>Love, <br/>     Alex the Author</p><p>(Can I say love? Is it too weird? lemme know if it is, I don't wanna make y'all uncomfortable)</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to JemJamJammy and Rhinopoley_Winter for the tips! If anybody else has tips than feel free to drop 'em down in the comments.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As I stepped out into the fresh morning air, I took notice of the frozen morning dew on the ground and the cool breeze rustling my hair. The sun was still coming up and it looked like an oil painting that my art teacher likes so much, swirls of orange's, yellow's, and coral mixed with the glittering dew on the tree's and the stillness of the early morning before people started getting up for the day. I wanted to remember it forever, the scene giving me peace for once, maybe I'll show Darry one day. As time passed, the sun got higher in the sky and the air started warming up to melt the remaining crystal-like frost on the ground, I soon realized that I had to go inside. As I stepped through the door, I heard Darry in the kitchen and went to go take a shower, we had been fighting less lately, and to that I was grateful. As I started undressing, I caught a glimpse at my arm, noting that it looked better than it did last night now that the cuts weren't so irritated. As I finished undressing, I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked skinny, but not enough, I had arms that looked more like sticks with the bark scratched off from either a dog or a crack head and my stomach was starting to cave-in on itself. As I stepped into the shower, the stinging on my arms felt more like lemon juice than water, but I didn't want to dwell on it too long, Soda would be up soon and I didn't want him barging into the bathroom while my arms look like you stuck them in a garbage disposal. As I finished with my shower, I remembered that it was the Friday that we had off from school, I didn't know how to feel, I was sad that I wouldn't be going to school but happy because I could hang-out with Johnny more. As I stepped out of the shower, I started shivering despite the steam around me, I've noticed that I've been more susceptible to cold, it almost always felt like winter now even though it was only late October and normally the temperatures don't start dropping until late November. As I got dressed I made sure that none of my cuts were visible and stepped out into the now more lively household. Two-Bit was on the couch watching Mickey and sipping on a beer, Soda was eating breakfast, and Darry was reading the newspaper in his chair. As I sat down next to Two-Bit on the couch, I noticed now that he looked more like he was spacing out than watching Mickey, which is weird 'cause he loves Mickey, "Hey, Earth to Two," I playfully said, nudging him "Hey Pone," he replied with a hint of playfulness that never failed to make anyone smile, "Nothin' much, just enjoyin' the time off from school." I said, "Alright, who took Ponyboy? Who is this imposter? 'Cause I know for a fact that Ponyboy would NEVER say anything like that!" Two-Bit said incredulously, "I'm jus' playin' with ya Two, ya know I wanna be at school right now," I said, to which he gave a sigh of relief to. After a few minutes of watching Mickey Mouse, my stomach started to rumble, and to be honest, it was hurting a lot, it felt like someone was trying to dig away at my stomach as if that'll get anywhere. After a few minutes of my stomach rumbling, Two-Bit started giving me funny looks, I'm guessing that it was because he heard my stomach and thought 'the hell is this kid doin'?', so I decided that I should probably just get a little bit to eat. As I walked into the kitchen, I heard the door open and close, it sounded like Johnny but I wasn't so sure after I arrived in the kitchen I looked around and decided on the apple, ignoring the eggs Darry made me; As I made my way back into the living room, I noticed that it wasn't Johnny that came in, it was Dallas, who was leaning against the wall by the door, and I instantly cringed, we didn't leave off on a good note the last time we talked. As I sat back down on the couch, I noticed that Dallas was looking at me and I instantly knew that he was thinking of the last time we talked, how I rejected his help. After a minute or so, Two-Bit got up to go get more beer, and Soda and Darry left for work, so it was only me and Dallas, the air was thick with tension, just waiting for the other to say something but neither wanted to start a conversation. It was a little later and neither I or Dallas had said anything yet, though Dallas looked like he wanted to scream at me, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get some water, knowing the growing unrest in my stomach would become much more and I didn't want to give Dallas the satisfaction of letting him know that he was right, that I do need help. Soon after I returned to the couch with my water, I saw Dallas come closer and sit down on the couch, the air so thick with tension and awkwardness that you could probably cut it with a knife. A minute or two passed and I was almost halfway done with my water when Dallas finally said something, "Look, kid, I know that you said that you didn't want my help, but seeing you waste away like this is killing me, your brothers are starting to notice it, too. I can't tell ya how many times Darry has shared a smoke with me and expressed how worried he is about you, he said your teacher called once because ya fell asleep in class and he's noticin' your weight loss and how skinny ya are, you're practically swimming in your clothes at this point, Pony." I stared at him, he had never sounded so nice to me, normally he wants to try and beat it out of ya but it sounds like he finally realized that he can't just beat it out of me, I'm too used to it. "I don't need help Dallas, I told you this, you can tell Darry I'm fine when he comes to talk to ya 'cause nothin's wrong with me. Sure I've lost some weight but that's normal! With all the runnin' I do." I said, and Dallas just shook his head at me "Listen man, you're worrying your brothers to death and you won't let us help. I know for a fact that you're starving yourself and I know why, so quit the tough guy act and just admit that you need help!" Dallas angrily said "I don't need help! I'm fine! All of you are crazy to think that I'm starving myself" I retaliated and Dallas just shook his head and left, good, I don't have to deal with his accusations anymore; But as I got up, I got really dizzy and had to sit back down again, so I tried again and I wasn't as dizzy but I was still rather disoriented, so I just went into mine and Soda's room to think about Dally and the interaction. As I sat down on the bed, I started thinking about how he knew why I was starving myself, but that didn't make sense cause I don't even really know why myself, I should be happy with my body, but instead I want to lose more weight, to look like a gust of wind could knock me over. As I thought about it, I also thought about how Darry was coming to Dallas with his worries about me, about how my brother knew about me losing weight, and then it hit me, Soda probably told Darry because we sleep in the same bed and he puts his arm around me while we sleep. How could I have been so stupid? Of course, Soda would find out about me losing weight, he could probably feel my ribs and spine through my shirt. As I thought about it more and more, I slowly started to feel faint, so I laid down and, of course, fell right back to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ayyyyyy, I'm really happy with how this came out and I actually really like this writing style since its easier to get my thoughts across to y'all and paint and visual picture, which is funny since I have aphantasia lmfao.</p><p>Anyways, stay cool and safe out there my guys, gals, and non-binary pals! Don't forget to leave suggestions!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. A Reminder</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I will most likely not be posting for 2 days due to b-day plans. I hope everyone has an amazing day(night) and stay safe!</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Happy Birthday!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Happy Birthday Yeetolicious!</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As I began to stir, I noticed a distinct weight behind me, probably Soda. When I started to gain more awareness, I felt my bones aching, like weights are constantly trying to drag my limbs down, gravity (and possibly everything else) working against me. As I started to finally sit-up, I realized that this would probably be harder than I anticipated. I quickly glanced at the clock, my neck protesting the sudden movement by sending painful pricks down my neck and spine. The clock read at three a.m; I don't need to be up this early, but I like to watch the sunset or go for a run before school to loosen up. As I started to walk across the room to get a change of clothes, Soda had started to stir, "Baby? What are you doin' up this early? Did something happen?" Soda asked, but before I could answer, he spoke up again, making my heart sink "Please don't tell me you are going for a run, you're already so skinny, baby. Darry and I are worried about ya, we're watching ya waste away and it's killin' us.", this made my heart sink, they knew, and Dally was right about them knowing. "Soda, I don't know what you're talking about," I replied, my voice giving out on me by cracking "You know exactly what I'm talkin' about Pone! We can't let you go on like this!" Soda said suddenly, sitting up and looking at me. I didn't know what to say, I was shocked that Soda would raise his voice at me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and the air felt like it was being sucked out of my lungs, my eyes started watering but I don't know why since I've wanted to cry for days, probably weeks but I haven't been able to do so. "I'm going to go outside to watch the sunset." I said, not wanting to get into an argument with him and wanting to change the conversation, "Damn it, Pone!" Soda said, getting up and stomping over to me, "Why can't you just lay in bed for a while and eat with us? We want to help but we don't know how and we won't be able to help unless you let us!" Soda said, grabbing me by the shoulders, "Soda let me go!" I shouted, and he looked at me with a shocked face before shaking his head and sitting down on our bed, "Ponyboy, I just want you to be healthy, it's scary putting an arm around ya and feeling your ribs and spine" Soda said defeatedly, I just shook my head and walked out onto the porch, maybe I could focus on that for a while and not the fact that now Soda, Darry, Dally, and Two-Bit and maybe Johnny and Steve know about my eating. </p><p>As I watched the sun slowly rise, the only thought was that at least they didn't know about my self-harm.</p><p>_________________________</p><p>As I slowly got back up again, I heard my knees crack and I stretched my arms high above my head, hearing the popping of my shoulders. As I went to walk back inside, I noticed the light was on in the kitchen and Soda was at the table with his head in his hands. As quickly and quietly as possible, I opened the door, stepping inside the warmth of the house and out of the morning chill. As I went to mine and Soda's room, I thought back to our conversation and quickly glanced at him, he seemed to be in deep thought since he hadn't noticed me or anything. As I stepped into our room to get clothes (a black, long-sleeved shirt with a gray sweater shirt and blue jeans), I noticed the smell of food wafted from the kitchen and into our room. I was confused, it wasn't even five yet and Darry was up and making food. As I stepped out of our room to go to the bathroom, I saw Darry sit down at the table next to Soda with a cup of coffee. As I was about to leave, Darry noticed me and we stared at each other, daring each other to say something, "Mornin' Pone, when ya get done with your shower, we need to talk." Darry said, sipping slowly from his coffee, to which I nodded, knowing that I wasn't able to get out of skipping this conversation. As I stepped into the bathroom and started undressing, thoughts were running through my head, Dally had told me that Darry and Soda knew about me starving and how much trouble I was in once I was done with the shower. As I started the shower after undressing, I looked at myself in the mirror, noticing how fat I still looked, my jaw was still soft and my thighs were huge, but my arms were okay, if only I could get out of my cutting habit, maybe I would like them more. As I stepped into the hot shower, I noticed a slight stinging to my cuts, maybe I shouldn't have cut last night and waited until after my shower so that they weren't still so new. After my shower, I started looking around for my blades and as soon as I found them, I cut my wrist, making sure that the blood that flowed like honey down my arm didn't get on the floor, I started bandaging my wrist, it was only one cut and it was quick, but it gave me the peace of mind that I needed to get through the conversation that I was going to have with Darry and Soda. As I got dressed, I found my arm was tingling a bit, but paid no attention to it and walked out the bathroom to find my brothers exactly where they were the last time I saw them, sitting at the dining room table. As I made my way to the table, I made no eye contact with them, I already knew that I was in trouble if I looked them in the eyes than I would just break down. As I pulled out the chair, Darry started talking "Pony, we want to help you. Dallas told us that he's tried to get you to accept his help but you've denied that you have a problem every single time" Darry said, "It's because I don't, Darry. I don't know why y'all are trying to make me feel weird, I thought y'all were supposed to love me." I said, I didn't need help but I wanted it, but admitting that I need help would make me weak since Greasers don't ask for help, we deal with it by ourselves. "Oh Pony," Soda started "We do love you, we wouldn't be talkin' to ya right now if we didn't but, we need you to get better. The social worker saw you yesterday and called us saying that if you don't gain more weight by her next visit, she would take you and I to a boys home." Soda said, he knew this would hit home for me since I didn't want either of us to go to a boys home, Soda doesn't deserve that and Darry wouldn't be able to stand it if he lost us. So finally, I gave my answer "Alright, I'll accept help, but only from Dal. He's the only one that looks like he understands what I'm going through." I know that didn't make sense to either Darry or Soda, but it was enough for them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ayyyyyyy so I finally got a chapter out after what felt like forever. This won't be the end and I'm hoping y'all like the story so far. </p><p>Keep in mind, this chapter and Darry, Soda, and Dally are only addressing Pony's ED, not his self-harm, so don't think that angst and sadness won't be coming up.</p><p>Hopefully, y'all will like the story that I have set-up for Dal.</p><p>Anwayyysss I'm tired and in need of some Midol, </p><p>Love, Ren</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke to the sound of chirping birds and the sun shining in through the windows, it looked to be a beautiful day outside if it weren't for the snow. It had started snowing two days ago and it has been on and off since then. As I started to sit-up, I noticed Soda was still asleep and there wasn't any ruckus or clanging echoing through the house. When I stepped outside of my room, I looked out the window, seeing Darry and Dally talking to each other in what looked to be hushed, but urgent voices. I went to go see what they were talking about when I remembered what had happened two days ago, I agreed to get help from Dally. As I went into the kitchen to get a cup of water, I heard the door open and close and a small gush of cold air hit me; As I stepped out of the kitchen, I saw Darry sitting down in his chair and reading the paper and Dally sitting on the sofa writing something down on a scrap piece of paper, which is weird because I've never seen Dally write anything, but as I went to turn back around into the kitchen, Darry spotted me and motioned for me to sit down, "Mornin', little buddy. You should sit down, we've got some things to talk about." Darry said and Dallas looked up from what he was writing. As I went to sit down, I caught a glance at what Dallas was writing, something like "SAFE FOODS" and "DANGER FOODS", phrases that I've never heard before, but I've got a feeling that I'm going to be learning about them soon. As I sat down as far away as I could from Dallas and Darry, I noticed that Darry was looking me over with what looked to be sadness in his eyes. I don't know why Darry would look at me with sadness, he hates me, everyone hates me. As time passed, the tension in the air got thicker and thicker, and finally, Darry said something, "Listen, little buddy, Dallas and I talked outside and we agreed that he would help you, he told me what he went through and I Feel like he would be the best person to help you gain back the weight you've lost instead of going to the hospital. With that, I'm going to leave you two alone so that you can talk privately." And with that, Darry went to the kitchen, I glanced at Dallas and saw him looking at me, "So, kid, you really want help?" Dallas asked, "I wouldn't have accepted it if I didn't" I replied, "Or did you do it to get your brothers off your back?" Dallas said, and to this, I didn't know, I wanted to lose more weight and I still can't stand the way I look but did I really want to feel this way constantly? "I guess you'll have to find out," I replied back, to which Dallas sighed, I don't know why he wanted to help me so bad if I was just going to annoy him the whole time, I unconsciously shrunk in on myself similar to how Johnny does whenever someone yells or there's an argument. "Listen, I want to help you, but you have to be willing to accept it, accepting help doesn't make you weak, you're admitting your faults by doing it and that takes some gut," Dallas said, I didn't know how to respond, he's never been so open to me before and it was like meeting him for the first time, so I just nodded my head and hoped that was enough of an answer for him. "Good, let's get started," Dallas said.</p><p>_________________</p><p>It's been three days since I accepted help and its been the worst three days of my life. Every day I get sat outside next to Dallas and he tried to encourage me to eat, I almost never do. Though today seems different, he's got his notebook today that I saw him writing in three days ago. As we went to go sit outside, he didn't bring any food, which was confusing because usually, he encourages me to eat. As we sat out on the porch steps, he took out his notebook and flipped to the same page he was writing in, "I've got an idea that I've already gotten approved by your brothers," Dallas stated "Do you know what "safe foods" or "Danger foods" are?" Dallas asked, and I shook my head no, "Safe foods are foods that you don't mind eating, foods that you feel like you can eat freely and not just pick at the entire time. Danger foods are foods that you don't feel comfortable eating, foods you can't eat, and are too anxious to even think about," I stared at him, not knowing what to say. I didn't know how he knew all of these terms but they made sense, "Do you wanna start with safe foods or danger foods, you can just list them off and I'll write them down," Dallas questioned, and I had to think for a minute, I didn't have a lot of foods that I felt safe eating, but salads were okay for me to eat "Lettuce and carrots are okay, I don't panic when I eat them if that's what you're saying. I remember when we had a salad with dinner and Darry made a vinaigrette or whatever he called it." I finally said, he looked at me with a questioning face, as if I was sure, "Anything else? I've seen you eat one of those rice cakes at school," I don't know how he knew this or that he even still went to school after he took the fall for busting the windows, but as I thought more and more about it, the more I realized that they weren't so bad, tasteless sure, but they weren't bad. "Yeah, those are okay, they taste weird but they don't make me panic or anything," I said, golly, I have to learn how to shut my mouth more. "Alright, not a bad start kid, Darry said that he was gonna buy whatever was on your safe food list but I'm just gonna lift 'em. I'll be back," Dallas said, and I quickly stopped him, remembering one more food, "I don't mind apples, they're good and they aren't bad for you, right?" I said, and he just wrote it down in his notebook and started walking in the direction of the store.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know some of y'all might not read this, but if you do, thank you. I'm in a really bad home situation right now and so updates will most likely be sporadic and untimely, but hopefully, I'll get back into a normal schedule within a month or two. I can't say much now but my parents are getting divorced and my mom wants full custody and she's going to try and convince the court that she's the better parent (she's an unstable alcoholic). She's going to try and use my dad's criminal history against him to try and gain full custody of me and my brother, even though she's made it clear she hates us (she uses us as bragging rights since we got into a really good high school in our area). </p><p>So yeah, hopefully by the end of July or early August things will be better at home and I'll update it more consistently. This doesn't mean updates will stop though.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Dallas returned with a grocery bag in hand, like he said he would, I got nervous, what was he going to make me eat? What were he and Darry planning? Jesus, I had so many questions, "Hey Dal, what's in the bag?" I asked with a slight tremble in my voice as he went to sit next to me, "It's the food that you feel the most comfortable eating, remember?" He said, looking at me questioningly, "Yeah, of course. Thought you got candy or something like that." I said in reply as he started to pull stuff out of the bag, and he wasn't lying, every single food that I had listed was laid out in front of us. As I sat there, wondering why Dallas even cares, he grabbed an apple and gave it to me, "Dal, I don't know what you're trying to do, I don't feel like eating and I just want to go to bed," I lied, I wasn't tired at all and I was so hungry it was starting to hurt, "Well, at least have a bite. I won't be able to live with the fact that you might end up in the hospital while I was helping you, promising you're brothers that you would get better." Dallas said. Dallas had been saying a lot of this kind of stuff, he made me promise not to tell anyone because he claims it would make him soft, though he's always trying to help, which makes him tuff. "Listen, Dal, I'll take a bite if you leave me alone for the rest of the day, I won't even try to workout later, deal?" I said, hoping he would take it, "Fine, but tomorrow you eat more if you don't start eating more than Darry said that I'll need to find a way to scare you into eating, and I've already got a few ideas, so eat up," Dal said, which made me wonder what Darry and Dal were talking about all the time. As I bit into the apple, I was immediately filled with regret, I was doing so well and not I've ruined just because Dal told me to eat, I'm so pathetic. </p><p>___________________</p><p>It was around midnight and everyone in the house was asleep, except for me. I've been awake trying to figure out how the hell Dal convinced me to eat and how I just let myself eat. The voices have been screaming at me since I ate that single bite and it's hurting my head, I only know one way to make them shut-up. As I made my way over to my desk, I very quietly pulled open the drawer and reached all the way to the back where I kept my blades, taking one out and turning it in my hand, I realized it was one of my newer, sharper ones that didn't even have dried blood on them. As I quietly made my way to the bathroom, careful to not wake Soda, I slipped inside and closed the door, breathing a sigh as the voices dyed down a bit, fully knowing what I'm about to do next. As I rolled up my sleeve and glanced at the still healing cuts, I sighed and put my shirt sleeve back down only to pull down my long pants and look down at my thigh. I waddled to the toilet and sat down, not even caring that the seat wasn't down, and looked at my thigh again and realized that this will probably be the last time I ever get to see my thigh un-scarred. After what felt like hours of staring, the voices started to get louder, egging me on until I finally made the first cut, the crimson liquid beading up at first but then slowly starting to pool and then run down my thigh, cursing I grabbed toilet paper and pressed it to the wound, I didn't want to leave a stain. As the blood flow started to slow I realized how deep I had accidentally gone, maybe it was because there was more fat on your thigh than your arm, but it felt amazing, so I did it again and again. At some point I ended up with five cuts on my thigh, the crimson dripping down my leg and to the floor, which I had to clean up quickly if I didn't want to leave a stain. As I cleaned up, I noticed the delicious ache in my thigh whenever I would move it or bend a little, I made a mental note that cutting on my thigh was way better than on my arms, they wouldn't be visible with shorts and when the cuts on my arms started to heal, I would be able to wear short sleeve shirts again. </p><p>As I went to go back to bed, I noticed that the kitchen light was on and went to go check who was there, and to my surprise, it was Dally. "Hey kid, what's up?" Dallas said, looking at me from where he was standing by the sink, "Nothin', you spending the night?" I asked, "Yeah, old man came back from his job and started hollering at me to get out, when I tried to leave, he clobbered me real good in my jaw." Dal said with a hint of sadness in his voice, he sounded tired, too. "Well, ya know you're always welcome here, you don't gotta worry about wakin' us up," I said, trying to comfort him but not knowing how he doesn't let people close and I'm guessing this is why. "Thanks, kid, I'll see ya in the mornin'," Dal said, and I took that as my queue to leave, "Night, Dal," I said, and headed straight back to mine and Soda's room.</p><p>_______________________________</p><p>When I woke up that morning, I felt the ache in my thigh and how exhausted I was from only getting a few hours of sleep, but as I sat up, I noticed that not even for the first time this week, Soda was gone, probably at work. He's been working longer shifts than before and coming home more tired than he's ever been, he doesn't even eat dinner sometimes, which makes me pissed 'cause Darry's always buggin' me about not eatin' when Soda doesn't eat his dinner half the time. As I went to get out of bed, I noticed how quiet the house was, until I heard soft talking that I couldn't distinguish for the life of me. When I walked out of my room, I saw Darry, Soda, and Dally talking at the dinner table, a sight that's become the new normal now, "Mornin' guys," I said, voice still a little raspy, but it caught the attention of everyone, "Hey kiddo, we were just talkin' about how we should all go to the drive-in tonight, what do you think about that?" Darry said, and to be honest, I didn't feel like going at all, I just wanted to stay in my room all day and read or just count over how many pounds I've lost or how many calories I've eaten this weak, but I know that if I said 'no' they'd know something was really wrong, "Sure, but where is everyone? Normally we've got a full house." I asked, "They're all at the park," Soda said, but I immediately knew it was a lie since Soda's never been good at lying, "Okay, I'm gonna go shower," I said, breaking the silence, and turned around to go to the bathroom, but as soon as I shut the door, I heard them continue talking but ignored it, somehow knowing that I would find out later.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yay! I got an update out in record time! Hopefully, I'll be out of the family situation by next month, so yeah, thanks for sticking with the story, if there's anyone reading it.</p><p>Leave a comment and don't be afraid to ask questions! I'm pretty much an open book and I love talking to everyone!</p><p>See ya!</p><p>(Extra long chapter to hopefully make-up for the future)</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know this is self-promo but could some of y'all go check out a new one-shot that I did last night called 'Just Wished You Would Talk', it's from the perspective of Dal (and Johnny) while Dal struggles with self-harm and an eating disorder. That fic is very loosely based on what I have planned for Dal in this fic.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pony's POV It was a few hours later and Dallas hadn't shown up. Normally Dallas shows up every day at the same time but it's been hours and he still has yet to show his face. Now that I think about it since Dal left this morning, Darry and Soda have been giving me worried glances more than usual, which is strange but maybe it's because they've noticed I haven't eaten anything. But as soon as I finished that thought, Dallas walked through the door and gave me a half-smile and went to go talk to Darry on the couch, I didn't think anything of it so I just went outside on the porch, expecting Dal to join me.</p><p>________</p><p>Dallas's POV</p><p> </p><p>"So, are you sure you want me to do this? The pictures aren't that pretty and I don't want to scare the kid out of help." I said to Darry, wondering if he really wanted me to do this, "Of course I want you to do this, I'll do anything to get my brother back." Darry said in a commanding tone. "Alright, but just letting you know that this might not work. He might use my pictures as a weight goal, but it might scare him into eating more again." I said, glancing at Darry, "Just go out there and show him, you've already done a great job helping him slow his weight loss." Darry said, and at that, I couldn't help my heart swell a little. I've never been told that I was helping someone nor have I been congratulated and thanked liked that before; He sounded so sincere. With that, I got up and walked through the door, the cool air hitting me head-on, making me shiver a bit. As I sat down next to Pony, I tried to think of what I would say, <em>'Hey kid, so I never told anyone in the gang about this but I have an eating disorder and in one of the programs they made us take pictures and look at the pictures every day until we no longer thought we were fat' </em>or <em>'Hey kid, you wanna see some pictures of when I almost starved myself to death?', </em>jeez, this is going to be harder than I thought. "Hey Dal," Pony spoke, snapping me out of my daze, "Hey kid, you eat yet today?" I asked, "No, I wanted to wait on you, but you didn't show," Pony said, "Well, I've got something else for today that you're brothers wanted me to do," I said, and Pony looked at me with wide eyes, "There's nothing to be scared of, just some pictures that you're brothers wanted me to show you." I said, hoping that my reassurance would calm him down, "Okay, what are they?" Pony asked, curiosity evident in his voice, "Well, remember when I told you that I understand what you're going through?" I asked, "Yeah, it was when you first offered me help." Pony said, looking at me with his bright green eyes that he insists are more grey, "Well, a while back in New York I had an accident and I had to go into hospital." I said, looking at Pony to see if it was okay for me to continue, "So, when I got into the hospital, the gang that I was with told them that they were '<em>worried' </em>about me because they hadn't seen me eat. The doctors questioned me for a bit, and concluded that I have what you have, anorexia." I said, looking at Pony and seeing his eyes widen, "I was really sick, I weighed only one-hundred-ten pounds at six foot and so they forced me into an inpatient facility, you know what inpatient is, right?" I asked, and Pony just simply nodded his head, "So, when I went into inpatient, they took pictures of me to document how skinny I was going in so that they could put it into my record." I said, looking at Pony, just to see him staring back at me with the same wide eyes as before. "When I was admitted, I was on the verge of death. I was so weak and the doctors didn't let me move at all, no stretching or anything." I said and looked at him, "Pony, you're brothers want me to show you these pictures because they want you to understand that you aren't alone in this. They don't want to have to admit you to the hospital but they're scared that one of these days you're just going to collapse dead." I said, and Pony looked like he was going to start crying. "Can I see the pictures?" Pony asked, and I nodded, handing him the small stack and looking out at the lawn.</p><p>________</p><p>Pony's POV</p><p> </p><p>As I took the small stack of pictures into my hands and started looking through them, I felt a knot form in my stomach. The man in the pictures didn't even look like Dal, he looked more like a skeleton than a human. "Dal, why did you starve yourself?" I asked, I just wanted to know his reason, "I wanted control in my life. My dad just forced me to move to a new place with new people and I didn't know how to handle it. He would beat me daily until I joined a gang, and even then he would still say some mean stuff to me." Dal said, looking at the ground. I just stared at the pictures more, I didn't know how to react to it. But I did know one thing, I was going to start eating. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Super short chapter, I cant focus all that well and I'm super tired. I'll hopefully upload tomorrow.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Quick little self-promo, if you haven't checked out my other story, Just Wished You Would Talk, I recommend you do so. Its a story about how Dal struggles with an ED and the gang finds out about it. Also, the movie that they are seeing is called Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, starring Paul Newmann.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pony's POV</p><p>After Dallas and I finished our conversation, we went inside to tell Soda and Darry that I was willing to get better. Darry and Soda were really excited about me wanting to get better and they wanted to go out and celebrate. When Dallas finally parted to go and find Johnny, Darry asked if we wanted to go to the Drive-In, which I was excited about at first, but got more and more nervous as time passed; They would be expecting me to eat and snack there and I don't know if I could do that right now. I know I said that I would try and get better, but the thought of eating terrified me more than anything, but the thought of being able to spend some time with the gang made everything better, even though they would probably pick-up on why Darry was so happy and why we were all going to the Drive-In. As Darry called Two-Bit and Steve, Dallas and Johnny came bursting through the door, laughing and smiling about some joke, I assumed. "Hey Dal, hey Johnnycakes," I greeted, "Did Dal tell you that we're all going to the Drive-In tonight?" I asked Johnny as he went to stand next to me and talk, "Yup, there's a Paul Newmann playing tonight." Johnny said, and I immediately got more excited since Paul Newmann was my favorite actor, he was also pretty hot. </p><p>Its been about thirty minutes and the entire gang is here, Steve and Soda are playing poker (both of them cheating), Two-Bit was drinking a beer and egging them on, Darry was outside talking with Dallas, and Johnny and I were sitting on the ground watching Mickey Mouse. After a few minutes, Dallas and Darry came inside, announcing that the movie was going to start soon and that we should get going if we want to be there on time. So, everyone got up and got coats on since it was rather cold outside and headed outside to the cars. Johnny, Soda, Steve, Darry, and I were all in a car with Johnny in the middle, Soda on the right of Johnny, me on the left, Steve riding shot-gun and Darry driving, and Two-Bit and Dallas were in Two-Bits car. There was some chatter going on between Steve and Soda but the rest of us just stayed silent, enjoying the view outside the car or just enjoying the company. Soon enough, we were pulling into the Drive-In, Two-Bit and Dallas were behind us in their car, but we all got out to go sit in the seats in the back since all the seats in the front were taken by Socs. As we sat down, Two-Bit and Steve asked if we wanted anything, "I'll take a popcorn, I'll buy" said Darry, "I'll take a coke," said Soda and Johnny, "I'll just get a popcorn," Dally said, and soon the gang was looking at me, "I ain't that hungry right now, but thanks." I said, to which the gang looked at me disappointed and just looked down, not wanting to see their faces. "See Soda, I told ya the kid was lying. He ain't gonna eat for no one, you should've just put him in a hospital." Steve said, and Soda didn't even reprimand him, "Listen asshole. I get that you don't fucking like the kid or whatever, but that was out of line. The kids goin' through his own shit and don't need you making him feel like shit." Dallas said, which shocked me a little, but I was more thankful than anything. "And you do, Dallas?" Steve said, "Yeah, I do. He's been through a lot this past year with his parents dying and everything and he just wants some semblance of control." Dallas said, ending the conversation, and Two-Bit walking away to go get the snacks.</p><p>________</p><p>Dallas's POV</p><p>I looked at Pony and he looked relieved that someone was standing up for him. So, I went to sit next to him and Johnny, wanting to strike a conversation because I know that the kid will probably be thinking about the comment Steve made. "Hey, guys, what's up?" I asked, "Thanks for sticking up for me there, Dal." Pony said, "Of course, man," I said. Soon enough, the movie was starting and Two-Bit and Steve came back with the snacks for everyone and quickly passed them out. </p><p>As the movie played, I noticed that Pony was moving around a bit in his seat, which is weird because Pony can normally sit through anything, so I quickly asked what was going on, and he said "My stomach is hurtin' something awful.", and I replied, "Well, have you eaten anything, yet?", because if he hadn't, that means he hadn't eaten anything in close to twenty-four hours; "No, I'm sorry." Pony said, sounding genuinely guilty, so I did the only logical thing, I offered him some of my popcorn, "Here, take some, you need it.", but he looked wary, almost scared to take it, "Okay." Pony said, and to my surprise -and delight- he took a few pieces of popcorn and ate them, actually ate them. I just looked at Pony and smiled, really smiled, for the first time in a long time; He actually ate popcorn, something that he wasn't comfortable with. I felt my heart swell with joy at the fact that he's been showing improvement and he actually wants to get better. </p><p> </p><p>After the movie finished, Pony was practically asleep on my shoulder and Johnny's eyes were drooping, so we all quickly packed up and managed to get Pony and Johnny in the car, Johnny on the left and Pony in the middle next to Soda, and Darry in the front with Steve. I was still pissed at Steve but decided not to act on it since if I did get arrested, I wouldn't be able to make sure that Pony ate or that he had someone to talk to. </p><p>_______</p><p>Pony's POV</p><p>I was really tired in the car ride home. Johnny and I were leaning on each other, practically falling asleep. Soon, we were pulling up at the house and everyone started to get out of the car, so I decided that I should rouse Johnny, "Hey Johnny, it's time to go inside, man. You can crash at our place." I said, to which Johnny grunted thanks and got out the car. I followed soon after and walked behind him, well, we were more trudging than walking. All the sudden, I got this huge dizzy spell, I just waited for it to go away but it didn't. The next this I remember is Dallas's wide eyes before everything went black.</p><p>_______</p><p>Dallas's POV</p><p>I noticed that Pony was stopped in the middle of the hallway, he looked really dizzy and his eyes were unfocused, but what happened next scared me -yes, Dallas Winston can in fact get scared-, Pony collapsed on the ground. I immediately rushed over to him and took his pulse, his heart was still going but it was just a tiny bit slow and he was freezing. I looked over to Darry and Soda and said "He's got a pulse, but it's slow and he's cold. His body might've given out on him from the lack of energy because he hasn't received enough nutrients.", but it was like Soda didn't even hear me, he just kept trying to shake Pony to wake him up, but luckily Darry grabbed him and repeated what I said. That's when I noticed that the gang was crowded around Ponyboy, trying to see if he's okay. "We should just get him to bed if he doesn't wake-up in the morning then we'll take him to the hospital." I said, tone harsher than I meant, "Okay. Dallas, why don't you take Pony to bed while I calm Soda down." Darry said, and I just nodded, seeing Soda visibly panicking but trying to keep his cool. As I picked up Pony to take his room, I kept wondering whether or not he would be okay. As I sat him down on his bed, his sleeve rolled up on his arms, I felt my blood run cold and I gazed at dozens of cuts and scars running up and down his arm. As I pulled down his shirt sleeve, I only had one thing on my mind, when he wakes up tomorrow, I'll have to confront him about it. It's scary how much I see myself in him, now. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was honestly really fun to write. Sorry for making Steve sound like an absolute ass to Pony, don't worry, they make up in the future. Also, what do y'all think about me turning this into a Johnny/Pony story? I'm debating it, lol. </p><p>Anyways, I feel like I'm talking to myself rn because I don't think anyone really reads this anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 13 (read the notes please)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I awoke to the sound of birds chirping and music coming from the living room.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pony's POV</p><p>I awoke to the sound of birds chirping and music coming from the living room. As I slowly sat-up, I started trying to remember what happened yesterday after the movie. As I slowly walked out of my room and into the dining room, I saw Soda sitting at the table with Steve, Johnny sitting on the couch next to Two-Bit (who was drinking a beer), Dallas sitting on the couch but staring off into space, and Darry was probably making breakfast in the kitchen. As I went to sit down next to Johnny, Soda turned around and faced me, "Morning Pone, you feelin' any better?" Soda asked, "What do you mean?" I replied, not remembering anything passed the car ride, "Pone, ya passed out." Soda said, and I just had to look at him shocked. Did I really pass out? Is that why I couldn't remember anything? "Oh," I finally replied. As I made my way across the room to the living room, I glanced at Johnny, who was looking at me shocked, "Mornin' Johnny" I said, trying to break the silence, "Hey Pone. Do you really not remember what happened?" Johnny asked, "I remember the car ride, but I don't remember walking into the house. I mean, there are some snip-bits but that's it." I said, hoping that that was a good answer. But before Johnny could say anything, Steve spoke up, "Well, I think I know the reason why you fainted, Ponyboy," Steve said, "And why do you think you know why?" I said, not wanting to talk to him, "Well, did ya eat?" He said, accusingly. I just stayed silent, knowing that even if I did tell him that I had eaten some popcorn that Dallas gave me, he wouldn't believe me. "Lay off him, Randle. He ate some popcorn during the movie." Dallas said, defending me. I was grateful that Dallas was defending me more since Steve apparently doesn't have a filter. After a few minutes of silence, I went to go shower; The voices were back again and they were too strong.</p><p>As I stepped into the bathroom, I looked behind me and saw Dallas looking at me, but I brushed it off; He's been watching me more carefully to make sure I wasn't sneaking off to exercise. When I closed the door, I immediately turned on the shower and began rummaging around for the extra blade that I kept in here. After finally finding it in a drawer, I straightened a bit and pulled off my pants, cringing at my thighs -which looked like I stuck them in the garbage disposal- and slowly made the first cut; One cut become two, though. The second and third cuts were much deeper, slicing through my skin and creating precise lines that'll surely scar and take weeks to heal. The blood was pooling now, and I had to act fast before it started dripping on the floor; Didn't want Darry questioning why there's a copper stain on the floor. As I dabbed the blood off my cuts with toilet paper, I realized how much time I had spent in the bathroom already and that I should probably actually shower. </p><p>_-_-_-_-_-_-</p><p>Dally's POV</p><p>When Pony went to go shower, I got a feeling of premonition. He might've been in there cutting but what could I do? I couldn't just bust down the door on a suspicion. So, I just patiently waited for Pony to get done so we could go outside and talk. </p><p>___</p><p>When Pony finally stepped out of the bathroom, I motioned him to meet me outside; We both moved towards the door at the same time, but with me being the closest, I opened the door and stepped into the chilled air, with Pony right beside me. While standing there, I thought about how I should go about telling him that I saw his scars. I didn't want to be super forward with it since I know that will most likely shut him down, but not being forward about it can make him confused. I decided that I should just tell it from the start, "So, yesterday night you passed out. I think it was from your lack of eating throughout the last few months. But I didn't get ya out here to talk about that. When I carried you back to your room, your sleeve rolled up revealing your scars. I ain't mad at ya or anythin' just wanted to tell ya that I know and that if you need to talk than I'm here." I said, hoping that I didn't sound too harsh; Pony just looked at me with a shocked and guilty expression, it made me feel horrible to see him like that. "I'm sorry," Pony said, voice breaking, "I didn't know that you knew and I didn't want to bother Soda, you, or Darry more than I already am." Pony finished, a few stray tears falling down his face. "Listen, I know you didn't want to bother us, but we love you more than anything. We all want to see you happy." I said as I enveloped him into a hug. "You love me?" Pony asked, "Of course I do, kiddo. I wouldn't be helpin' ya if I didn't" I said; "Are you gonna tell Soda or Darry?" Pony questioned, looking up at me, "Not if you don't want me to. I'm not that much of an asshole, but if I catch wind of you hurtin' yourself than I'll have to tell them." I said, hoping my tone sounded more commanding than harmful. </p><p>___</p><p>Soon enough, Pony cleaned himself up and we went inside. None of the gang questioned our disappearance since it's become a new normal seeing us together. Pony went to sit on the couch while I went to go talk to Darry; I wasn't gonna tell him about Pony's self-harm, I'm just gonna give him a heads-up to keep an eye on him. When I arrived in the kitchen, Darry was scrubbing at the dishes and so I cleared my throat and said "Listen, just keep a closer eye on Pony. Make sure that there aren't any stains on his clothes or if they're dropping in size." I said, hopefully not alerting to the fact that Pony's harming himself. Darry just gave me a confused look but nodded his head in understanding. I started walking back into the living room to sit next to Johnny when I started getting dizzy, but thankfully I was able to finish my walk to the couch before it got worse. Maybe I should lay off the fights with Tim. </p><p>_-_-_-_-_-</p><p>Pony's POV</p><p>When Dallas told me that he knew about my cutting and the scars, my heart dropped. How could I be so stupid? I'm supposed to be smart; I mean, I skipped a grade! I was currently sitting on the couch next to Dallas and Johnny -Johnny is in the middle of us- and I was secretly panicking; What should I do? I know I should stop cutting, but Dallas said he saw them on my arms, not the ones on my thighs, so I could probably get away with cutting more on my thighs. Christ, I don't think I've ever been so stressed.</p><p>_-_-_-_-_-_-</p><p>Johnny's POV</p><p>Dallas and Pony just came inside after talking for a few minutes. I overheard their conversation and it freaked me out. The pony was cutting himself? I thought we could talk about anything. I wonder what I did wrong to lose that trust, I mean it has to be my fault, right? I mean, almost everything is. Almost a week ago, Dally and Darry told us that Ponyboy was starvin' himself, which surprised all of us. We all thought that Ponyboy was golden, but I think spending all his time with his head in the clouds can make yeah think about the bad stuff. After Darry and Dally told us this, we all just sat there, we didn't know what to do or how to react, but we knew we were all going to start helping him get better.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really didn't know how to end this chapter to sorry about that. I listened to The Night We Met while writing this chapter and ngl that song is hella sad. A quick favor, could someone comment so that I know people are reading this story? Or if y'all want me to continue? Thanks. </p><p>Also, I just thought I should tell anyone reading to go check-out h3llagay, DallasWinston98, and dyad (johnnycake). They're amazing authors and deserve way more hype. ON THE OTHER HAND LOOK AT THIS NEW FACE ',:) and |[87</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is mostly in the POV of Dallas (his home life). As someone who had struggled with abuse in the past, I write from what my thoughts were during that time. If you are being abused, don't be afraid to reach out to me or call friends, family, or this number 1-800-799-7233 (domestic abuse hotline number). Read the notes at the end for more context on my personal experience. This is why I've decided to write this chapter. Dallas's step-mom is my original character to show that women (and mothers) can be abusers too. I also decided to add more tags that center more around this chapter (as to not trigger anyone). I think this is one of my most detailed works, which I'm proud of, but it was an absolute pain to write.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dallas's POV</p><p>I don't know when <em>she</em> met my father, but all I know is that she's here now and she couldn't be a more perfect match for him. She has blonde hair, blue eyes, and yellow-tinted skin -probably form all the vodka she drinks-.  When I first saw her I thought she was my mom; I always looked a lot like my mom. I nearly cried of happiness before I realized that my mom is dead;Has been for nearly seven years. She has a permanent scowl on her face and she constantly reeks of liquor. I think my dad met her when he was out at a bar trying to get any whore in bed, but apparently she was so good that he brought her home. She's constantly trying to control me, she demands I go get her more liquor or that I do her laundry; I, of course, never give in. She makes life so much worse around our house, hell, I've spent a few nights with Johnny in the lot to just get away from her. </p><p>_-_-_-_-_-_-</p><p>"Dallas," She screamed, "I need more liquor." God, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I swear, one day I'm gonna go deaf from her screaming. "Get it yourself!" I shouted from my room; I was laying on my bed with my eyes closed, I was exhausted from being at the stables all day. I didn't have the energy to give in to her demands tonight. All of a sudden, I heard heavy footsteps come down the hallway to my room. I knew immediately who those footsteps belonged to, my father. Soon enough, the door swung open, hitting the wall and creating a dent. He stood there, heaving in a stained wife-beater and his workboats -which were coated in mud- and his stained jeans. "Get off your ass and help your mother!" My father said, "First off, she ain't my mother and she never will be! Second off, I'm bone-tired from being at the stables all day. If you love her so much, you take care of her." I said, which was probably the wrong thing since my father stomped over to me and took me by my collar and threw me on the floor, my back erupting in pain. "Don't talk back to me you little shit!" My father shouted at me, his voice bouncing off the walls; He stepped closer to me, his feet next to my abdomen, looking up, I recognized the look in his eyes, I needed to run. Before I could even get to my feet, his leg lifted and landed on my ribs and stomach, the air being knocked out of me, my ribs cracking under the weight of his kick. I needed to get out of here, I could go through my window, but he's in my way, so I needed to get to my door, but that was all the way at the other side of the room. As I started to get to my feet, my father punched me in the face, pain erupting on half of it, and he grabbed my hair, fisting it and dragging me halfway across the room to the middle. I knew I was in deep shit; My ribs were still aching when he kicked me again, this time with his toe, which hurt more than normal. I don't know if it was because they were already bruised or because his boots are steel-toed. It doesn't matter now, though. I'll hopefully be out soon. </p><p>_-_-_-_-_-_-</p><p>I don't know how long its been, nor do I care. All I know is that my ribs might be broken and I probably have a concussion. As I slowly got up, I realized that my ankle was swollen, smart bastard hit my ankle so that I wouldn't be able to run away. Luckily, I could still move my ankle so it must just be a sprain. As I straightened out, I gradually put pressure on my ankle, but I could only put around a pound or two on it before it started hurting; I could work with this. Slowly, I limped out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom. As I turned the corner to enter the bathroom, I saw my father asleep in his armchair with beer bottle surrounding him, but my 'stepmother' was awake and watching t.v., quickly, I turned the corner and walked into the bathroom and shut the door and locked it. Carefully, I lifted my shirt over my head and half hazardously dropped it to the ground to look at my ribs, the entire expanse of my stomach and chest was different shades of purple, blue, green, and yellow. I slowly slithered my hand up my stomach, checking for any cuts or scrapes; Finally, I got to my ribs, I started to press down on each one to check if they were broke. Luckily, I only had to tape a few of them. Slowly, I bent down to pick up my shirt from where I dropped it on the ground, but all of the sudden my 'stepmothers' voice from the living room caught my attention, "He's just so annoying. He never does what I say and he doesn't show me any affection." I overheard her say; She must be talking about me since my father will do anything for her. She kept on talking to her friend and I couldn't help but listen in, all she does is complain about me. Some of the stuff she said hurt me a little, but it wasn't anything I wasn't used to. Carefully, I opened the bathroom door and limped out, she hasn't noticed me yet so I decided to take another step towards the living room so I can get to the front door. My father was still out cold in his chair and she was chatting away on the phone when she finally glanced at me with her cold eyes, the only thing that I'll admit we share in common, and her lips curled into a snarl and she glared at me while continuing to talk to her friend on the phone. "Yeah, he just came into the room, god, I just wished he would go live somewhere else." She said with disgust laced in her words, "Yes, Charlotte, he is a hood." She finished. I've been called a hood all of my life but for some reason this hurt more, maybe it's because she looks so much like my mom, my real mom. "I'm gonna go hang out with my friends," I said, and she just waved me off with her hand, turning her eyes back onto the television in front of her, which was playing some kind of romance movie. Slowly, I started limping towards the door, but apparently I wasn't moving fast enough because she threw one of my father's beer bottles at me. I just started limping faster, much to my ankles protest, and in no time at all, I had my hand on the door nob. I opened the door and nearly ran out, taking a deep breath of fresh air and noticing that the sun was starting to set, I nearly forgot the door behind me. Quickly, I made my way across my yard and started limping towards the Curtis household, knowing that their door is always open. While walking, I started thinking of an excuse I could tell the gang. I knew that they wouldn't believe me when I said that Tim did it, so I'll just have to say that when I was riding a horse it threw me off, which explained my ribs and limp; Not like I was gonna tell them about my ribs. I limped for a few more minutes when I neared the Curtis household, thankfully, the lights were on, meaning that somebody was home. As I got closer, I saw that someone was smoking outside, and as I got even closer, I recognized that figure as Johnny. Johnny was my best friend, the only person that I really showed affection to. He was standing up, probably surveying the area when he spotted me; We locked eyes for a second before he started walking down the Curtis's pathway and through the gate and started making his way over to me. When he got to me, he immediately put an arm around my shoulder to help me walk easier, "Thanks Johnnycakes," I said, "Who'd ya fight this time, Dal?" Johnny asked, ignoring my thanks, "I was at the stables all day and when I was riding a new one, it bucked me off. I tried to catch myself but I just ended up hurtin' my ankle." I lied, even though I hate lying to Johnny, it had to be done; I didn't want him thinking I was weak. He looked at me funny but helped me into the Curtis house. I got a few glances from Steve and Two-Bit and a few "are you okays" from Sodapop and Pony, who was looking healthier, while Darry helped patch me up, I just answered with the same lie I gave Johnny, which got me a few disbelieving glances but that was all. </p><p>I sat down on the couch with the help of Johnny and closed my eyes, tiredness suddenly overtaking me and I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A little bit of a background with whats going on in my life rn.</p><p>So, my mom isn't the best person. She's said and done some really awful shit to my brother, my dad, and myself. To give you all a little context on how bad it was for me growing up, my mom had me and my brother out on our 'porch' (just a small set of stairs) and had us watch our father get hauled away in handcuffs for something he didn't do; She was laughing and pointing at him the entire time while we were crying. We had to stay at our grandmother's in Madison (we live in Milwaukee) for the weekend (this was right after Easter) with no contact with our father for three days. He was held on false claims and was not given his meds (that he needs because without them he gets sick) even though the police station called my house and requested my dad's meds be brought to the station/jail but my mom refused. </p><p>Because of my mom's alcohol abuse and the fact that she is classified as an abuser, she has said some really mean shit to me like, "I wish you were never born" and "You should've just killed yourself" (I had an attempt two years ago) along with comments about my weight that make me really uncomfortable and pointing at my scars (If you didn't know, most of Pony's experiences in this story are based off my own). She also has driven drunk with us in the car on the freeway. Fortunately, she hasn't hit me in years and her hateful remarks don't bother me much anymore, but I just thought that y'all should know that I'm not just writing from a stereotyped standpoint (ex: men are always the abusers and women never abuse people), but an understanding one. </p><p>I'll just end this here, just thought that y'all should know this. I am in no way asking for sympathy, I am just bringing light to the fact that women can abuse people, especially men. </p><p>Me: Starts talking about my past abuse. <br/>My brain: *Starts playing "I am damaged"*<br/>Me: Ah yes, the theme song for today.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 14 (Last chapter! Check the notes for more information)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Maybe things were going to be okay after all. </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Last chapter! I'll be creating a new page in this story for suggestions. If you like my work than feel free to stick around. I'll be taking requests (if you have any) for any stories. I am open to writing nearly everything for any of the boys. If you want to read more on Dallas's home life, go check out my other story Just Wished You Would Talk.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pony's POV</p><p>When Dallas showed up last night, we were all worried. We knew that he was lying as soon as those words flew out his mouth but we didn't push. Today I plan on eating by myself for the first time. I didn't know what I was going to eat, but I knew that I should eat; I was hungry after all. As I sat up from mine and Soda's bed, -careful not to wake him- I opened the bedroom door quickly and stepped out into the hallway and then shut the door just as fast. As I made my way to the kitchen, I couldn't help but notice light snoring from the couch, but I couldn't see from who since it was still rather dark out. I just continued walking to the kitchen, careful not to make any noise. When I entered the kitchen I started to search with my hand on the wall for the lights, but pulled my hand back, deciding against it since it would probably wake whoever was sitting on the couch. As I opened the fridge, I saw cake, eggs, chicken, and leftovers from around two nights ago; I decided on eggs, easy enough to make and I shouldn't feel bad after eating them. As I pulled out the eggs and set them on the counter and got a pan, careful to make little noise, I couldn't help but think back to who was on the couch. It couldn't be Johnny since Johnny never snores, Steve slept at his house since his dad was out of town, Dallas had his house -though I'm not sure he wants to go there-, and Two-Bit has his house. I decided that I should just focus on my egg, not wanting it to get burned. Carefully, I pulled a plate from the cabinet and plated my egg with salt and pepper and grabbed a fork from the drawer, and went to dig in, but the voices got to me before I could even cut the egg. </p><p>
  <em>Fat</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pig</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Worthless</em>
</p><p>Suddenly, I was snapped out of my thoughts by someone clearing their throat, and as I turned to look, I caught sight of his blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. It was Dallas. He looked at me with a questioning look in his eyes, "Morning Dal," I softly said, filling the haunting silence, "Mornin' kid. Whatcha got there? Eggs?" He said, glancing at the food in front of me, "Um, yeah. I thought about eating by myself today." I said, and Dal looked at me with this proud look, "Proud of you kid, I know how hard recovery can be and you're doing a fuckin' amazing job." Dal said, which caught me off guard but made me puff my chest in pride and smile. Suddenly, Dal stepped forward and enveloped me in a hug, which caught me by surprise, but I enjoyed his warm embrace before he pulled back; Who knew Dal was so warm? When Dal pulled back, I looked up at him and smiled, and surprisingly he smiled back. "Well, I should eat, huh?" I said, and he just nodded and went to go make himself eggs. As I took my first bite of food, I realized how much I missed eggs. "Mmm," I couldn't help but moan a little when I swallowed my first bite, and for once, the voices didn't bother me. "Egg that good, huh?" Dal said from behind me, breaking the silence, "Yeah, really good." I said while spooning another bite of egg onto my fork, "Sounds about right. I remember my first bite of food that I ate on my own without someone watching over me or encouraging me to eat; It was an apple." Dal said, setting his plate next to mine and taking a bite of his eggs, which I noticed were sunny-side-up. "I didn't know you liked sunny-side-up eggs." I said mid-bite, I was almost finished with my egg, and I was ready for another, "I don't care how you make my egg, just don't make them scrambled. The best part of the egg is the yolk, and mixing the white part of the egg completely ruins the flavor." Dal said defensively, which had me chuckling, "I didn't know you hated scrambled eggs so much." I said, "Oh my God, don't you even get me started. I'll be talking into next week." Dal said sassily while I went to go make another egg. "Hey Dal, not to kill the mood or anything, but what happened to your face?" I said questioningly, "It was an accident at the stables," Dal said, looking down at his now almost empty plate, "You and I both know that's Bull.' I said and turned to finish making my egg, "Listen," Dal let out a sigh, "My home life ain't the best, it's like Johnny's. My dad doesn't give two shits about me and he recently got a new broad who ain't too fond of me being a hood. He's the one who gave me these pretty marks." Dal said honestly, I could tell he was telling the truth since he stood with hunched shoulders and just staring at his egg. "Oh," Was all I could say. I mean, how could I say anything? I've never had to go through what Dal or what Johnny has. "Yeah, sorry I crashed here. Just didn't wanna go back home to that." Dal said, turning around to face me as I went over to grab my plate to put my egg on it, "Dal, you know our door is always open, you don't have to apologize." I said, going back over to stand next to Dal. I lightly grabbed his arm and turned him towards me, "Seriously Dal, you are always welcome here." I said, hoping that I would get through his thick skull. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, Pony, for everything." Dal said, looking at me with so much raw emotion it made me want to cry, but I stayed strong, "I should be thanking you, you're the only reason why I'm still alive." I said, meaning every word I said. Dal just nodded and went back to eating the other half of his egg, and I went back to eating mine. </p><p>_-_-_-_-_-_-</p><p>Everyone was up now and sitting in the living room. Two-Bit was on the floor, Steve was sitting on his right and Johnny was to his left, Dallas, Soda, and I was all sitting on the couch and I was in the middle with Dallas on my left and Soda on my right, and Darry was sitting in his chair reading the newspaper while we watched Mickey. Today has been great so far; I ate by myself and the gang was all here and just enjoying each other's company."Man, I'm starving." Two-Bit said, "You're always hungry. I swear, your stomach is a bottomless pit." Steve said, which earned a few chuckles from the gang and glare from Two-Bit. "Well, there's always chocolate cake." Soda said, getting up to go to the kitchen and get a piece, "Anyone wants one?" Soda asked the gang, "I'll take one." said Two-Bit, "Me too." said Steve, and I decided that I should speak up, too, "I'll take one, too." I said, hoping that my voice sounded more confident than nervous. I haven't had chocolate cake in months and I was still iffy with it, but I was going to try. "Okay!" said Soda, looking at me with proud eyes, the same look Dal gave me earlier. Soon enough, Soda came back with four plates of chocolate cake, somehow balancing all of them in his arms on one go. Soda handed me my plate last, giving me hopeful eyes, and in return, I took a big bite. I didn't even notice Darry looking at me with a smile or Johnny grinning from ear to ear, I was too focused on eating the delicious dessert. "You like the cake, kiddo?" Darry asked, "You betcha." I said with a smile. Maybe things were going to be okay after all. </p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Request Page</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Leave 'em in the comments!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, this is my first fic on AO3, and it's my first fic in this fandom. Lemme know if I should continue or if there is anything to improve upon.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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